An Open Letter to Hilaria Baldwin from The Cucumber

Hola Amiga! It is I, your little pepino.

How are you? Not good, huh? Same.

I hear you’ve been dealing with a lot lately and, not to take away from your very real social influencer pain, but I wanted to get some stuff off my chest.

You see, it hurt my feelings when you pretended you forgot my name.

How could you act like we don’t know each other?? It really gets under my peel when you’ve met someone a million times and they pretend not to know you.

I’ve moisturized your eyes, infused your water, been your entire lunch the week before the Emmy’s, and then you disown me on the TODAY SHOW?!

You’re not Mariah Carey. You know me. Honestly, I’ve made a very big effort to use your chosen name and forget I ever knew Hilary Hayward-Thomas. And so did your entire elementary school, high school and nuclear family. That’s three names we’ve all wiped out, yet you can’t be bothered to retain my one.

So what is it? I don’t do enough for your “career”? I was there for you back when you were a nobody. I knew you before you had a TV! I supported your yoga practice and nourished you through your lawsuit drama, but now that you’ve social-climbed your way to the top you cast me aside?